The Big Chop, Unlocking the Past

I just did the big chop about a week and half ago. I'd been growing my locs for about 7 years. I go from locs to an afro almost like a cycle lol. In fact my friend from younger years called me and said hey do you still have your locs I was thinking it is around the time you'd be chopping them off lol, and she was right, I had cut them, only this time it was for a much different reason. Short story... I was married, my ex-husband always stressed that he wanted me to have long hair. He was very controlling, and very demanding and eventually very violent. Through it all I ended up losing a pregnancy and was left with physical and emotional scars. I ended up leaving him which was very difficult time in life. When we first met my hair was not even shoulder length, by the time I left him my hair was down my back. I continued to grow it for 2 years following the divorce. During these 2 years I lived with my parents and struggles financially hoping to one day be able to be on my own again. Finally in 5 days I will be moving out on my own again. Just as in many "big chop" stories my hair began to feel like a weight to me, especially since he was very adamant about me keeping it long. So in order to start all over, loose the energy, and show myself that I am not living for what he wanted me to be anymore, I cut it all off into a short afro. Who knows, I may grow long locs again, but this time it will start and stay for me. :)

1:44 AM Thoughts of a DV survivor

After a long time, I've been able to connect again. It been two years since I left and a little over one since my marriage ended. It's that season to come out of my own skin and to realize I don't have to be stuck within myself anymore, I'm healed. It's time for friends and new lovers, it's time to be free and be myself again; but where do I begin? Sometimes it is so difficult to leave the house, I've found comfort in my solitude, but then there's this deep and unavoidable longing to be near people again, to be close again, to love in friendships and in romance again. How do I balance the two. Perhaps I've offended some by cancelling outings, I need to be dealt with with patience now. I am opening but not yet fully opened. I know it's okay to open my closed eyes but the light I face may sting them since I had been in the dark so long but something, an angel, God, and myself are telling me... it's time.